VIRTUAL SEX

[duet]



dreams of foreplay
can be instrumental
in making things harder

This script forms the theatrical analogue
of an instrumental duet between
a mouthpiece and an electronic-organ.
The libidos are complementary
and the slurp of primordial ooze
is subliminal thruout.
It is a play about playing at playing

Reading/duplication/copying of the script is permitted free of any charge, provided that no parts are used for publication and/or sales for profit.
Modification of the script is expressly forbidden, unless explicitly approved by the author.
Performances of the play for profit will require a negotiated % of all seat sales to be forwarded.

THE CAST


SHEILA Instrument Services
RODNEY Plumbing Services


The Play



Center stage is an erect phallic bore outlet.
In front of the bore outlet is a vaginal trough with a liquid-jelly slurry of mud and water.
There are various gonad-like fittings/motors on the bore outlet and around the trough.
Stage right front is a cardboard cutout cow on wheels and a chair.
Stage left front is a GP's examination table and a chair.

A large video screen is elevated center back.
(or several small monitors around the auditorium)
Bucolic scenes are seen around a horse breeding farm.

EXPOSITION


RODNEY is lying on his side, in his underclothes or less, on the GP's table with his legs pulled up towards his chest. His clothes are draped over the chair nearby. SHEILA has her arm up the reproductive tract of the cardboard cow. Her change of clothes are draped over a chair nearby

His play-model 4-WHEEL DRIVE and trailer is parked on stage front left. There is a toy dollís microwave oven, a generator, a quiche, a hooked tow rope, a hooded plastic raincoat in the back, and a toy ditch digger on the trailer. Her play-model STATION WAGON is parked on stage front right, with a little model tool-kit, a toy flow-rate instrument, a toy radio, some dollís bananas and a dollís flask of coffee in the back.

SHEILA There was nothing mystical about choosing a vocation of AI... ... artificial insemination... the relative of a friend of a relative needed some seasonal help...

RODNEY So here I am... in a sperm donor clinic... as a sort of one-man community service club... The medical examination is unreal... Blood tests...urine samples...blood pressure...eyes...ears... DNA... even just checked my prostate...

SHEILA ...so... I found myself in training ...in a manner by default really...

She gently nods and purses her lips as she feels the foetus present in the uterus She raises an eyebrow or two.

SHEILA Insemination Services and Backup... ...this lady's definitely pregnant...

She withdraws her arm which is covered with the long plastic protective glove, and proceeds to take it off.

RODNEY ...so...if everything's OK... testes dropped and prostate passed... and all that stuff... then maybe I can make a contribution to the gene pool...

SHEILA ...but a career dependent upon oestrus was a bit too seasonal for me... ... so I retrained as an instrument technician... ...added another dimension to my CV... but as you can see... I still like to keep my hand in...<

RODNEY ... what I haven't asked yet... is exactly how do they... I mean... what is the system...like you know... what do they do to get the sample...my sperm... do you know?... oh yeah...I'm sure you all know...but I don't... ..just a straight-forward country lad me... ...they might even use a sort of one-cup milking machine for all I know... ...no matter ...I still like to keep my hand in.

SHEILA takes off her protective apron and top and changes into a shrink-pack condom of a T-shirt with the logo
Instrument Services
provocatively emblazoned on the front.
She pushes the cow off stage right.

SHEILA however... at the moment I have a commitment elsewhere on one of the local stud farms they want a flow-rate meter installed on their new water supply amongst other things so I need to get my arse into gear some what...

RODNEY gets off the examination table and climbs back into his gear. His T-shirt also has a logo
Plumbing Services
aggressively displayed front-side. He pushes the table off stage left.

RODNEY anyway... can't park round here all day with a GP's digit up me exhaust...work to be done... local horse trainer needs a new bore to be plumbed...


DEVELOPMENT


RODNEY and SHEILA play drivers with their model vehicles in the dirt-pit of the universe. Sometimes the push them from behind. Sometimes they pull them from the front with a cord. They mime all the actions and sound effects of starting their vehicles, putting them into gear, braking, indicating etc... down the ramp and around and around the auditorium countryside, and finally back to the stage bore which is out on the stud farm.

RODNEY arrives first, engages 4-wheel drive low, and grinds up the ramp to park near the holding tank. He has been here before. He unloads his little toy digger, starts the motor (sound over the audio system) and starts to play-dig a trench from the holding tank over to the bore outlet.

SHEILA prudently parks her wagon at the bottom of the ramp in the auditorium, picks up the flow-rate meter, her tool kit and radio, and walks up the ramp to the bore outlet. She examines the situation, switches on her radio to the local station, (sound over audio system of typical erotic pop-song) and starts to organize herself for installing the meter.

video: A stallion and a mare on opposite sides of a fence exchanging pheromones.
A couple of whinnies are heard via the sound system.

SHEILA continues sorting out of the control system situation. As the noise of the ditch-digger gets closer, SHEILA continues to turn up the volume.

When RODNEY gets as close as he thinks he can , he cuts the motor. The sound of the local radio station at almost full volume now dominates.

SHEILA reaches out and turns her radio down. RODNEY comes to the door.

RODNEY Sorry about the decibels...but thatís it... I can do the rest by hand.

SHEILA Thatís OK... we all have to do what we have to do...

RODNEY Iím going to take a break now, but I'll be wanting to hook my pipe up later on...are we going to be able to work around one another?...
(cheerful)

SHEILA I need to fit some control gear to your motor, and a pressure sensor to one of your pipes...so working together might be a better idea...
(exploring double-entendre nuances)

RODNEY Team games suit my personality...
(detector circuits activated)

SHEILA I need a break myself... we could eat lunch in here... looks a bit like rain to me...

RODNEY just a warm front coming thru I think go and grab your stuff... Iíll bring the 4-Wheel over you might even score a piece of hot quiche topped with tomatoes, capsicums and basil...
(looking at her T-shirt)

SHEILA Hot?...
(understandably impressed)

RODNEY Yes...I much prefer it hot...
(feigning casual indifference)

SHEILA How about buttered rolls with cheese...my flask is percolated...

RODNEY Sounding better by the second... I'll get the kitchen department organized...might even share my banana with you...

RODNEY goes and drives his 4WD over. He play-mimes starting the generator (sound over the audio system), plugging in the microwave oven, and starting the re-heating of the quiche.


SHEILA walks back out to the roadside and collects her flask of coffee, bread rolls and cheese from the station wagon.
The beeping of the microwave signals the end of the reheat (sound over the audio system) RODNEY brings the hot quiche over, as SHEILA is organizing the seating and coffee.

RODNEY Watch it...itís very hot...

SHEILA And I suppose you whipped this up in between screwing the odd valve-fitting in place...

RODNEY Trained as a chef for a couple of years... and then I got the call of the wild...

SHEILA My contract allows for underground power and cables between the shed and the pole...you wouldnít have time to dig my trench with your digger while itís here would you?... send the bill to us?...
(double-entendre more deliberate)

RODNEY glances over in the direction of the pole, and assesses the request.

RODNEY Nah...donít worry about it...the paper work would be more trouble than itís worth...Iíll bang it in after lunch for you...
(inclining/shaking his head/shrugging)

SHEILA Thank you...there's sure to be some sort of service I can do for you in return...

They share the food and drink out on and around the chairs, and start eating with obvious gourmet appreciation.

SHEILA How long will it take you to finish... your part?...

RODNEY Not long... the pumps in place... irrigation lines are done... only a bit of playing around left really...a couple of nipples need adjusting... screw up anything that still needs it... squirt a bit of lubricant around... check the pressure relief valve is operational... that kind of stuff...how about you?...

SHEILA I might have to come and go a bit... I've just about got the PLC programmed, but I have to wait for the power to be hooked up... and for you to do your thing... before I can link everything together...

RODNEY You met the owners?...

SHEILA Owner... once... to check out where he wanted things... before he went overseas...horse breeder I think...

RODNEY Whatís he like?...

SHEILA Not sure what planet heís on really... wants an external speaker horn to operate with the security stuff.

RODNEY Speakers? what the hell for?...

SHEILA Who knows...maybe he needs to listen to my organ music outside... maybe its to serenade the horses...

RODNEY I can identify with that...

SHEILA Really?... are you musical?...

RODNEY Sort of... I do amazing things with a mouthpiece on the end of a short piece of flexible hose...

SHEILA The mind boggles... what do you play?

RODNEY Post-horn gallops mainly...

SHEILA Double-tonguing and all?...

RODNEY Triple if necessary...

SHEILA That does sound interesting... Iíd love a demonstration of that...

RODNEY Granted... I need to keep the lip in... what about you...do you play anything?...

SHEILA Now and then... got my own organ... lots of stops and buttons. I can get quite a range of amazing effects... as long as Iím plugged in of course...

RODNEY Interesting stuff... got to keep abreast of developments... matter of survival I reckon... Letís see what the weather's doing shall we?...
(looks at watch)

SHEILA turns the local radio station back on. She starts packing things up. A brief weather report promises a break in the weather after scattered shower of two..

RODNEY It's going to get better...

SHEILA Promise me...

RODNEY I always deliver...

SHEILA Always?...

RODNEY One way or another...

SHEILA I really do need to get going... can I get my wagon over nearer the pole do you think?... the route there looks rather on the up-hill and slippery side...and anyway if its going to bucket down I havenít got a raincoat...

RODNEY Out is not a problem... In can be on the tricky side...

SHEILA With a machine like yours?...

RODNEY itís only a machine... designed to do a job... give the operator some credit...

SHEILA So what do I do?...do you think?...

RODNEY Up to you... have a go on your own, and Iíll winch you out if you get stuck... or... Iíll back out there, and sling a rope under your front end...

SHEILA And hook it over your tow-ball presumably?

RODNEY As good a place as any... and better than most...

SHEILA The rope under my front end sounds alright to me... I don't want not to be able to get there... Iíve come this far with out a hitch... if there has to be a hitch, I might as well have one which I'm happy with...
(longish look at him before responding)

RODNEY grabs the hooded prophylactic raincoat from the 4-wheel, and walks around the back to unhook the trailer, putting the raincoat on as he goes.

Video: The stallion in the background has exploited a poorly latched gate and forced his way thru to the paddock where the mare is on heat.
Another couple of whinnies over the sound system.

SHEILA walks back to her station wagon and stands beside it.

RODNEY backs the 4-wheel down the muddy track out to the roadside where the station wagon is parked.

SHEILA Don't you go off before me now... you wait till I'm ready...

RODNEY goes to the back of his vehicle, grabs the rope and hooks out of the tray. He goes over to her and passes one of the hooks under her crutch, and between the cheeks of her front-end, and hooks it up into the back of her jeans-belt. He then passes the other end between his legs from the rear, and hooks onto the front of his belt.

SHEILA You sure about that? When the strain comes you could be reduced to tears

RODNEY Not with my technique...4-wheel drive remember???

RODNEY straddles his 4-wheel on all fours, and places the two cord between his teeth.

RODNEY OK?... you ready for this?...
(between clenched teeth)

SHEILA stands astride her wagon, holding the towrope in one hand and the tow cord to her wagon in the other.

SHEILA If I wasnít... Iíd still have my knickers on...

RODNEY Enjoy the ride...

Things start off gently enough, as RODNEY grunt/grinds SHEILA up the sloppery ramp. As they get near the top RODNEY gives it the gun. He drags her wildly spinning over the muddy ground, wheels spinning, in an extended erotic rush, finally climaxing with her ending up sprawled across/in the trough.
Slides of fireworks are flashed randomly around the auditorium

A slide projection of a newspaper headline flashes on an off against the backdrop.

video: The stallion is mating with the mare in the background.
Lots of whinnies.

The pump bursts briefly into life and spurts a slosh over SHEILA as she is collecting herself.

RODNEY Shit... sorry about that... maybe I should have backed off... but stopping is usually worse... so I went for it...You OK?...

She turns to focus on him slowly.

SHEILA Canít say I was ready for that...

RODNEY Got a bit wild at the end... but no harm done I hope...

SHEILA stands up and assesses the situation..

RODNEY comes over to see the damage up close.

RODNEY youíre going to need a bit of a wash down...

Video: The two horses in the paddock have finished their conjunction.
Satisfaction noises

SHEILA That wouldnít be another service you provide I suppose?...

RODNEY I suppose I am responsible... but Iíd do it for you anyway...

RODNEY disengages the hooks from both of them, and drops the tow-rope aside. He then pulls off his raincoat, and strips off his T-shirt.

RODNEY here whip that top of yours off, and use mine.

She peels off her top, underneath which she may or may not be wearing anything, swaps T-shirts, and slips RODNEYíS on.

SHEILA Youíre quite sweet really underneath all the bullshit... but now... someone's got to do some work...
(leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek)

RODNEY good advertising these eh??? want to do a swap???
(examining her T-shirt)

SHEILA sure... OK by me...be a bit small for you wonít it?...

RODNEY I wonít be wearing it... I'll probably mount it...

SHEILA You eating quiche again for tea tonight?

RODNEY nah...I'm out of eggs..

SHEILA I've still got a few...but once a day is enough isn't it?... what about chille con carne at my place ...?

RODNEY I could find a bottle of my favourite plonk to go with that...

SHEILA Bring that hose-pipe of yours... so you can play your post-horn gallop for me...

RODNEY Always at the ready...

SHEILA grab one of my cards from the front seat... come round early... you can give me a hand mister handy-man...

RODNEY feels inside the open window of the station wagon and picks up one of her business cards. He reads her name and phone number, and looks up at her with an anthropoid grin.

RODNEY Hello..."SHE-ILA"...me..."WOD-NEY"...

Their eyes meet. She smiles and raises an eyebrow.

SHEILA Hello "RODNEY"...RODDERS...

RODNEY But can you remember it?...

SHEILA When you come round tonight, you had better bring your visiting card......just in case...
(imperceptible shrug)

video: The stallion and mare gradually merging into the background.
Peacefully grazing.

RODNEY What did you think of the horsey video?

SHEILA bit touristy...

RODNEY suppose so...but did it get the point across?...

It has gone quite dark.
A sudden flash of lightning and a thunder clap explodes.
The rain hisses down and the wind gusts violently.

SHEILA bugger this.... Iím off.... you can work in this if you like

RODNEY shit...not me...thereís plenty else I can do...

SHEILA and RODNEY both grab their gear, and load up their vehicles.
RODNEY takes a bit more time to reconnect his trailer and load on his digger.

SHEILA bye for now see you later W-WODNEY the horny man...
(shouting provocatively over the sound of the wind and rain)

SHEILA play-drives off down the ramp, and off out the back of the auditorium.

RODNEY rely on it... you just make sure that organ of yours is warmed up...
(shouting after )

He play-drives his 4-wheel down the ramp and off into the far distance.

CODA


A spot light comes up centre stage front.
SHEILA and RODNEY appear in the shadows left and right, and put on whatever clothing they can find as a gesture to formality.
SHEILA wheels her organ into the spotlight and adjusts the seating.
RODNEY moves into the spotlight with his hosepipe and mouthpiece.
They hold hands and briefly bow in acknowlegement to the audience.
SHEILA seats herself, and RODNEY drapes his hosepipe over and around her and her organ.
They then give a virtuoso performance of a post-horn gallop with keyboard accompanyment.

video: man and woman on horseback racing thru the forest.

The acknowledge the applause and exit.
The spotlight fades and the house lights come up.

END


© 2001 gramer